Time To Listen

“If we take the time to listen, we’ll find wisdom, wonder, and poetry in the lives and stories of the people all around us.”

— Dave Isay, author of Listening Is an Act of Love

How do you feel when someone takes the time to listen to a story you want to tell, or to hear something you need to say? Most of us want—so much—to be heard, to know that someone else in the world understands, or at least acknowledges, our victories and our troubles. So, shouldn’t we return the favor and listen more often? The correct answer is yes.

In the book, You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why It Matters, Kate Murphy writes, “Wars have been fought, fortunes lost, and friendships wrecked for lack of listening.” She posits that listening—actual listening without thinking about how you’ll respond, looking at your phone while someone is speaking, or interrupting with your opinion—is “fundamental to any successful relationship—personal, professional, and political.” So, why are we modern humans so bad at it? Why do so many people feel isolated and emotionally empty, despite the multitudes of people surrounding them? In my experience, the problem is contained in one word: busy.

Busy has become a badge of honor. Busy people project an image of importance. But the older I get the more I think of busy people as unfortunate individuals. While they hurry through their days, they miss opportunities to connect with other people, including members of their family. They miss opportunities to learn from elders and nurture new friendships—relationships with real friends, not people looking to benefit from their professional network.

When was the last time you experienced a conversation that deepened a friendship or your intimacy with a life partner? When was the last time you sat with someone and gave them one hundred percent of your attention for more than a few seconds? Can you describe a day when you were curious about a person and took the time to let them tell you some of their life stories?

Maybe your people, like my mother and father (click here to read about that), don’t want to talk about themselves. But maybe they do want to talk and no one is giving them the space they need to contribute or respond. I certainly could have been more patient with my parents. Or, rather, another version of me could have been more patient. I was who I was at the time. Sigh.

These days, I try to make up for my earlier blunders by listening to people in the nursing home where I participate in a twice-monthly sing-along with other musicians. Afterward, at least one person has something to say to me, and I make a conscious effort to give them my full attention. I want to hear new stories. There’s always something to learn or be amazed by. To me, personal stories are the fabric of reality. And I’m grateful to have acquired (by practicing!) the skills to write and record them.

During the coming months, I challenge you to tell and record as many stories as possible—your stories and other people’s stories. Invite someone into your kitchen for a chat. If they’re willing, set up a recorder and let them tell you what they’ve experienced.

I also challenge you to practice random and scheduled acts of listening. Many, many acts of listening. Practice listening to your children, your mother, and your grandparents. Practice with people you meet on the sidewalk and inside stores. Make a coffee date with someone you haven’t seen in a while and listen to them tell you all about…everything. Let them talk.

Go on a story treasure hunt.

And when you hear someone tell a great story, invite that person to participate in a recording session. Encourage them to share their stories as holiday, birthday, and Valentine’s Day gifts. You may have to bolster their confidence and convince that them their stories matter.

Let’s all get over ourselves, soar far beyond self-consciousness, and just have FUN creating Something New!